I have been on the run using the reasons of escaping the city, connecting with family and being in nature. Well don't you know that the truth will always come out and last night it did. I was running from my fear. Fear of not knowing my place anymore, fear of no longer having relevance and fear of "vanishing."
Last night I had a breakdown which turned out to be a breakthrough. I had been telling myself for weeks now that I had to resume writing and Resistance won. Its force was so much stronger than mine because of its resolve. Resistance knows its purpose and place in this world and I had forgotten and lost mine.
How could I show up to the page to write about empowerment if I couldn't locate it within myself? Admitting my fears and facing those demons was the only way for me to truly break free.
It was so alien to hear words coming from my own mouth admitting how scared I was.
The usual face of strength and optimism had taken a back seat and here I was feeling alone and scared. Owning up to these feelings was challenging but once I uttered those words, there was a release. The lightness was still with me this morning when I woke up and meditation came easy once again. That should have been a sign, when I would try to meditate the past few weeks but then not stay in for the duration, say I would do so later or "forget" entirely.
It is not easy for a middle-aged female dancer to come to terms with the crossroads of life. Middle age is scary enough without the added pressures of being a woman that deals with an uninterested society once she hits her 40's and being a dancer to boot that now has to seek a world beyond what she has known her whole life.
My aversion to social media wasn't helping realize its power to stay connected. I feared judgement and even worse, what if no one saw or cared?
I am so blessed for my close circle of friends. I had been suggested more than once that there is power in putting ourselves authentically out there. I became inspired once again. I thought,"What the hell do I have to lose at this point?" And so, earlier today I made my first video. I had started and stopped many times uncertain how to even address the camera and what to say. It was foreign to open up that way to a device but I knew that there would be open ears on the receiving end once it was done.
Face my fears. I literally grabbed them by the horns and put myself out in the most vulnerable way and it felt right. Almost immediately there was a text from a dear friend I had not connected with in years and their words of encouragement and love were the healing potion my soul needed.
I don't have a completely detailed plan, I am just trusting my intuition and my heart to guide me through this new chapter. I did get a divine download and I have decided to get certified as a life coach. "If you want to master something, teach it." I also thought of the name under which I will now conduct any future business and I am excited for when I can announce the name. I just began the LLC process today.
In admitting to and facing my fears, I have once again found empowerment. I am truly ready this time. Won't you join me?