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  • Writer's pictureKristine Bendul

Hazy Days

Have you ever had those periods in life where everything is completely out of sorts? Where life feels completely disconnected and it seems like nothing goes right. Where there is this deep rooted uncertainty, lack of clarity and general frustration and desire to just run away... far away and start a new life under a new identity... drastic maybe but this is my present.

My four paragraphs I had just written to post here I accidentally deleted. I wanted to cry/yell/break something. This led me to the realization that I am definitely living in a state of 'overwhelmed' and my optimism that everything is going to work out and be just fine is merely a facade for self protection. Also showing me that denial cannot protect oneself.

Now don't get me wrong, I have had such "ups" with participating in the LA Hustle Congress and getting invited back to the Canada Salsa & Bachata Congress and then being featured on a Broadway stage again at the Music Box Theater in a benefit honoring legend Sono Osato the day after I got back from Toronto.

The issue is that with these artistic opportunities, the timeframe of committing to the ballroom training shrinks. Little did I know that that window would close for an additional two weeks sadly due to Abdiel being injured. Yes, I can review technique on my own but this is not the same as feeling the connection and actually doing the choreography with one's partner to music.

Last night I drove up to the Paragon Open in Stamford, CT to experience a live DanceSport competition as opposed to viewing one online or on TV. The energy was intense an the Pros were INCREDIBLE. It was so apparent that they have trained for years and years and with their partners where as I just started last month and Abdiel and I have only just marked one year of dancing together. And... even though we celebrated our year anniversary as partners, we were not working together everyday and on ballroom partnering.

I have another private with Emmanuel tomorrow which I am grateful for and I got to meet and work with Ernesto Palma 2014 World and USA same sex ballroom champion last week. Yet even working with these masters, the truth is that I am still a beginner ballroom dancer. I need a time machine in order to accomplish the goal of executing the American Rhythm dances justly and not appear as a Broadway dancer doing ballroom steps.

However something has just happened to me as I completed that last sentence. I actually almost felt light again. My fear is real and rational and I am allowed to experience this. The relief in sharing and unloading here in this post has helped me in some way. I cannot keep the weight of my discomfort with me or it will drag me down into despair.

Thank you for sharing my burden.

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